Breathing Space

So maternity leave is officially over and I'm back at work (though since it's the Easter holidays I don't have to face the trauma of leaving my babies for another two weeks yet). It's so tough being a working mum - you really want to stay with your little ones every moment, despite all the trials and tribulations, but financially it would be tough and in some ways it's good for them to experience being away from mummy for a little while as it prepares them for the inevitability of separation when school starts.

This is something which is coming up way too soon, I will be a mess come September when J goes off to school in his uniform and I am not the person that he spends most of his day with any longer. A real watershed moment. He drew this little picture the other day - the first that really looks like something, and has started to come home from preschool talking about friends he has made and games he has played. He is really turning into his own little person, which is wonderful, but also bittersweet as he is growing further and further away from that tiny baby I brought home from the hospital.

Anyway, I'm trying to half-heartedly sell the return to work to myself with the prospect of being able to buy yarn for projects without too much guilt. I may even treat myself to some Malabrigo Rios with my first proper pay-check. In the meantime, I've been undertaking what will probably be my last big knit before work begins, Breathing Space by Veera Valimaki. I'm knitting it as part of the Interpretations KAL on Ravelry, and there are some lovely and diverse examples of the garment as everyone puts their own spin on it with colour choice and adaptations.

I have chosen to use Knitpicks Hawthorne fingering, shamelessly copied from another knitter on Ravelry (though she later decided not to use the yarn for her project after all!). I like the yarn - it's quite crunchy, but not too rough, and the speckled yarn is lovely. The shades I have used are Blackbird and Graffiti. The new Knitpicks UK website is proving very tempting at the moment - I have some Chroma Fingering and Stroll Tonal lined up for knitting socks after this project.

As always will Veera's patterns, it's so easy to follow and I love the interesting techniques - the short row stripes add interest and a touch of quirkiness to the project. I have been using Japanese short rows on all my projects that require them recently, as I find them neater, though if anyone can tell me a way to close the gap effectively after the short rows are finished and you go back to knitting in the round again I'd love to hear it - I'm always left with an ugly hole no matter what I try.

 

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New Beginnings

It's that time of the year when everything is new and full of possibilities. Resolutions are made with the best intentions, diets are started, goals are set. I'm not averse to this idea of aiming to improve aspects of my life. While I recognise that a lot of goals fall by the wayside once the reality of day to day life sets in after Christmas, the very act of assessing and reflecting can be a positive experience.

So what are my intentions for 2015?

1. Have a healthy pregnancy. Get my 5-a-day, drink less caffeine, go to bed early, take my vitamins. Seriously, I'm growing a little life inside, and it deserves a bit better than the After Eight mints, cheese and mince pies I've been gorging on for the last few weeks. Plenty of fruit and vegetables on the next Morrisons order and less dairy and fat will be a good start.
2. Enjoy my family. My little man is growing up so fast, he surprises me every day with the things he says and does. I love spending time with him and Ed, I definitely want to make the most of our leisure time this year. We have always been pretty good at getting out and about to be fair. Fortunately this goal should be easy this year as we were bought National Trust membership which will mean lots of days out on the cheap for us when maternity pay kicks in.
3. Get work into perspective. It takes over my life during term-time, more through the stress of thinking about it rather than the doing it. I'm going to streamline my marking to make it more manageable but also hopefully effective. I'm going to stop worrying about lesson observations or the elusive outstanding grade. I'm going to be more efficient where I can. I bought an app, iDoceo, which will hopefully help me keep on track with this. I have an iPad, I should make better use of what it can offer in my work as well as free time.
4. Make stuff. When I don't, it coincides with periods of increased stress for me. I don't know if a lack of creativity is the symptom or the cause of the stress, but there is no excuse not to do something I enjoy if it makes me happier in general.
5. Be grateful. I have a wonderful family, an amazing husband, a beautiful little boy and another little one on the way. So we don't have a lot of space to move in our little house? So what. This is not important. Sometimes when I get frustrated or start to compare my life with others, I need to remember all the great stuff I have going for me and smile.

Now that's blogged, I'll update a little about what is happening in my life as the holiday draws to a close.

Today (this wouldn't post for several days and was actually on Friday) we went here:

 

Baddesley Clinton, a Tudor property owned by the National Trust. The day was beautiful and we all had a lovely time wandering around the house, grounds and of course the cafe!

My blanket currently looks like this:

I decided to drop the dark brown shade as after completing half a row I realised the tone was too dark for the rest of the blanket. I'm happy with the rest of the shades though and get a row crocheted in each spare moment.

I also had this yarn arrive. The Knitting Goddess had a sale and I decided to treat myself to a Christmas present of some DK in this gorgeous plum shade. I plan to use if for Veera Valimaki's Coal cardigan.

 

My other treat to myself this Christmas was a pair of these in the sale at Clarks.

I think it is an unfortunate sign of age that I now find myself shopping for most of my shoes at Clarks, which has a reputation for quality and comfort. But my feet have had enough of cheap shoes! And the sale price is really not so bad. At least that's what I'm telling myself.

Now for the madly depressing run up to Monday, when it's back to work and early mornings and rushing around. Hopefully I'll follow points 3 and 5 above though and deal with it positively!

 

 

 

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Reflections

Every now and then I get the urge to return here to my blog. Sometimes it's because I've been feeling especially creative and have lots to share. Sometimes it's because I'm feeling sociable and want to reach out to all the people who share similar interests to me (or who read my blog for other random reasons!). And other times it's because I feel the way I do now.

I've been struggling a bit. There has been a lot going on in my life over the last year. Things that have been difficult and stressful and at times even traumatic, though ultimately very positive. Exciting and happy times lay ahead. I may share them here soon.

But getting to that point has taken a lot from me. I feel like my natural creativity has been sucked out of me somewhat. I feel like I have lost the happiness that I used to find in the everyday things - in particular my work.

I have been teaching since my PGCE in 2004. Despite a couple of difficult years learning my craft, I came to enjoy what I did. Kids enjoyed my lessons. I know because they told me. I enjoyed coming up with different ways to teach things. I enjoyed telling the stories and little anecdotes that helped make history come alive.

When I returned to work after my maternity leave just before summer in 2013, I had completely lost my confidence in myself. The first time I stood back in front of a class, I burst into tears afterwards. The world of teaching had changed for me. I felt like I had to measure up to something and prove myself. I felt like I had to fit my lessons to a certain mould. I couldn't teach in my way any more.

I got through last year by working harder than I ever have (despite being part-time!) and desperately trying to jump through the ever-growing number of hoops that seem to be placed in front of teachers these days. Teaching in this way didn't feel natural to me. I couldn't get a sense of flow. I was terrified of being accused of talking too much - the latest big no-no in the teaching world. I stopped having the long discussions that used to form a large part of my lessons. I stopped enjoying passing on my love for and knowledge of my subject.

A few weeks ago I had an observation that seemed to confirm my feelings. It was 'good'. Not bad in itself, but hardly inspirational. The trouble is, while some valid points were made, I disagree with quite a bit of the spirit of the feedback. I feel like we are trying to create a version of what teaching has to be in order to be effective. But there are so many ways to skin a cat. Last year I achieved outstanding sixth form results. I did not teach in the way that would have (currently!) achieved me an outstanding lesson observation. And yet it worked. My students did extremely well. They learned what I wanted them to. We enjoyed our lessons. Isn't that a sign of effective teaching?

And yet I find myself with my confidence in my abilities now at rock-bottom. Why have I allowed myself to feel like this based on other's opinions when I have plenty of evidence of the good I have achieved with my pupils? Partly it is what the government has done to the profession. Performance related pay and continual scrutiny have made it feel like teachers are in a goldfish bowl at all times, waiting to be pounced upon for failure. The word 'good' in relation to your work now means 'not good enough'. The passion and individuality feels like it has been replaced by fear and conformity.

This may be an over-reaction on my part. But it doesn't deny the fact that this is the way I feel. And it is no reflection on my school, which I feel is one of the best around. It is a reflection of the current environment of the profession. It is a reflection of my own self-esteem in returning to the classroom. It is a reflection of the difficulties of balancing home and work life and being a working, part-time mum, especially with small children.

So what am I going to do about it? I don't want to leave a job that I have loved in the past. I am fairly certain that, as is the way of these things, it will change. Things will come full circle. Someone will tell us that another way of teaching is more effective. We will move on. I will learn to love what I do again. And the only way to deal with it is to keep on doing what you know works, what inspires and engages, what reaps results. Even if this doesn't tick all the boxes of current educational dogma.

So why blog about this? Well, I sat down the other night and thought about the things that make me happy. That put work in perspective and give me balance. And it ultimately comes down to two things - my family and my hobbies. Spending time with my loved ones is always a joy. I love to watch my little boy grow and change and discover the world. Lately I have been so caught up with worrying about work, I haven't done that. I have allowed my worries to stop me from sleeping and stop me from taking pleasure in the everyday activities - a trip to the park, rhyme time, choosing books from the library, coffee and cake at the cafe. I need to embrace the little things again.

And I also need to be creative. At a time when I feel my creativity is stifled at work, it is even more important that I give it an outlet at home. I haven't done anything creative now for about two months. This isn't good for my health and wellbeing. I know books need to be marked and lessons planned. But ultimately, a stressed and unhappy teacher leads to stressed and unhappy pupils who won't learn as well as they should.

To that end I've decided to try to finish a few WIPs. I'm going to share them here. It will hopefully give me the impetus to actually finish some of them!

The first is a shawl I started knitting for my mum. I whizzed through the first half in a few days, then inexplicably put it down at the halfway point and haven't picked it up since. The yarn is some gorgeous Araucania Botany Lace which will look lovely when finished and blocked. I need to get this done!

Next is my Lady Penelope cardigan, made in beautiful Sublime Lustrous Extrafine Merino dk. Completed the back, both fronts and one and a half sleeves! Why did I put this down? The colour is divine and I know it will look fantastic (even if I messed up the lace decreases at the front...).

Next up is a pair of socks. The colours are garish (half price yarn at Hobbycraft) but the first sock fits like a dream and I got so far as finishing turning the heel on the second. I only have the foot to knit. One and a half socks are somewhat useless...

Finally we have this beautiful little jumper for J. All the knitting is done on this one. It just needs sewing up. It's been sitting there since March. Surely this is an easy win?!

Writing this blogpost has been cathartic in the build up to another busy half term at work. I need to get some perspective, I need to realise what is important, and I need to make sure I don't put myself under the kind of pressure that makes me an unhappy and unhealthy individual. I'm hoping that getting back to blogging and sharing my hobbies, a process I always used to enjoy, will help me to do that.

 

 

 

 

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